Intimacy and Closeness
The other day I got a spam email from an SEO telemarketer critiquing my site as being too “company centric”. Obviously he didn’t read anything on my site because… does a “company centric” blog site include a poem about sex on their site? I didn’t think so.
A good point was made though – that if you go to this site you have no idea where to start or what to read because the topics are so damn varied. Therefore, I’ve decided to make pages such as “NEWCOMER? START HERE” in the menu as well as ARCHIVE, PROJECTS, and CONTACT.
I’ve yet to make those pages.
I recently read Mark Manson’s post about 3 explanations why he thinks single people (who hate being single) are still single (and hating being single).
Let me break it down for you
1) Too high expectations of others while not really being hot shit themselves. Overweight woman expects to date a man with six pack abs for example.
2) Not respecting their health/emotional well being enough to work really hard to be an emotionally and physically healthy individual … and wondering why they are getting rejected for relationships.
3) Skills for intimacy are not developed yet. Which means they interpret every argument/fight as unbearable & can’t feel comfortable in getting close to someone because they don’t want to explore themselves on a deeper level and be okay with it.
I agree with all three points.
I think I’ve been through all of it and the one I struggle the most with is #3.
Why not #1 or #2? I changed myself for the better by hiring a therapist to allow me to see reality clearly when it came to #1 and #2. I got off my ass, exercised more, killed almost 80% of my expectations for people and what they can provide for me – instead I focused on becoming more giving without counting tabs & seeing where it goes when that happens.
#3 is tough. How can you tell your SO that the cause of your pain is them without hurting them in the process? And vice versa? It’s difficult. Even if it is delivered at calm times. I think it’s because to yourself – you are perfect (or close enough). You’ve figured out for the most part what makes you happy. And everything else outside of what makes you happy will mean… unhappiness. And unhappiness is not what you want to include in your life.
You don’t want to face or even fathom the idea that sometimes.. you are not a good person. Sometimes you are downright selfish. Sometimes you are rude and you act in a way which hurts others unintentionally or otherwise. There are these darker sides to you that resurface once in a while. Although they do not make up the majority of your traits and personality – it hurts to admit to yourself that you are a bad person (sometimes).
I think the more you view yourself as a really good decent honest loving person… and you stick to that ideal rather vehemently… the harder it will be for you to accept any other versions which compromises this image. And anyone who is close enough to see all sides of you will eventually point out the sides you basically ignored for the most part because god forbid you are not THAT guy/girl. Any conversation which would touch upon the subject that maybe you are selfish, mean, horrible sometimes would hurt. A lot.
And when your SO gives two shits about you, you’re going to hear the good and the bad. Getting 100% good is nearly impossible. Nothing will be 100% out of the box. And if you expect 100% you are suffering from not only #3 but #1 as well.
Being comfortable enough to explore yourself changes this mentality:
1) OWWW. You remind me sometimes that I am not perfect. That I am rude/mean/inconsiderate sometimes. That I am vengeful/passive aggressive/not 100%/not good enough sometimes. That is NOT okay! I hate this! I want OUT! I guess I am meant to be alone because then I can JUST BE HAPPY! I WAS HAPPY BEFORE THIS!
2) I hear what you are saying & how it hurts you. But I am secure about myself emotionally to know that I am not 100% evil/a bad person. I have good intentions and I see somehow that doesn’t translate into my actions. I understand things can be misinterpreted. It’s not the end of the world. I’ll see if I can approach it differently next time.
Mark says it is the difficult road to emotional stability. Because in order to be healthy mentally you have to work hard at your own humility almost everyday, you have to work hard to be physically healthy (Your self esteem will be greatly influenced if you are not physically healthy), you have to fight every damn battle of irrational thoughts or refrain from behavior that can be misinterpreted.
Does this mean you are losing yourself and your own happiness? I think the struggle is REAL, folks. But you are not losing yourself. You are gaining the ability to be close to someone and be okay with it. This is a very cool skill to have. Why not have the skill where you can be open, accept criticism come what may, still remain positive about life and love and proactively change yourself for the better? Sure, the process will be painful. Sure, you will probably have your ego crushed sometimes. We can either let life hurt us and give us the excuse to stay hurt or we can be okay with what life throws at us because whatever it is… whether it be people who think we are not 100%… whether it be customers who just hate our guts…. or whether it is a big fat LEMON….
you can still make lemonade.
I think making lemonade when life throws you lemons is UNINTENTIONALLY PROFOUND. It is profound because instead of running away from those pack of lemons, you are making something delicious out of them. Happiness then ties into something that’s already there & working with it versus discarding it for the next thing that pops up.
The saying could’ve been… when life gives you lemons… you … THROW THEM ON THE GROUND.. and go with THE BAG OF APPLES.
(But it’s not.)