Intimacy and Closeness

The other day I got a spam email from an SEO telemarketer critiquing my site as being too “company centric”.  Obviously he didn’t read anything on my site because… does a “company centric” blog site include a poem about sex on their site?  I didn’t think so.

A good point was made though – that if you go to this site you have no idea where to start or what to read because the topics are so damn varied.  Therefore, I’ve decided to make pages such as “NEWCOMER? START HERE” in the menu as well as ARCHIVE, PROJECTS, and CONTACT.

I’ve yet to make those pages.

I recently read Mark Manson’s post about 3 explanations why he thinks single people (who hate being single) are still single (and hating being single).

Let me break it down for you

1) Too high expectations of others while not really being hot shit themselves.  Overweight woman expects to date a man with six pack abs for example.

2) Not respecting their health/emotional well being enough to work really hard to be an emotionally and physically healthy individual … and wondering why they are getting rejected for relationships.

3) Skills for intimacy are not developed yet.  Which means they interpret every argument/fight as unbearable & can’t feel comfortable in getting close to someone because they don’t want to explore themselves on a deeper level and be okay with it.

I agree with all three points.

I think I’ve been through all of it and the one I struggle the most with is #3.

Why not #1 or #2?  I changed myself for the better by hiring a therapist to allow me to see reality clearly when it came to #1 and #2.  I got off my ass, exercised more, killed almost 80% of my expectations for people and what they can provide for me – instead I focused on becoming more giving without counting tabs & seeing where it goes when that happens.

#3 is tough.  How can you tell your SO that the cause of your pain is them without hurting them in the process? And vice versa?  It’s difficult.  Even if it is delivered at calm times.  I think it’s because to yourself – you are perfect (or close enough).  You’ve figured out for the most part what makes you happy.  And everything else outside of what makes you happy will mean… unhappiness.  And unhappiness is not what you want to include in your life.

You don’t want to face or even fathom the idea that sometimes.. you are not a good person.  Sometimes you are downright selfish.  Sometimes you are rude and you act in a way which hurts others unintentionally or otherwise.  There are these darker sides to you that resurface once in a while.  Although they do not make up the majority of your traits and personality – it hurts to admit to yourself that you are a bad person (sometimes).

I think the more you view yourself as a really good decent honest loving person… and you stick to that ideal rather vehemently… the harder it will be for you to accept any other versions which compromises this image.  And anyone who is close enough to see all sides of you will eventually point out the sides you basically ignored for the most part because god forbid you are not THAT guy/girl.  Any conversation which would touch upon the subject that maybe you are selfish, mean, horrible sometimes would hurt. A lot.

And when your SO gives two shits about you, you’re going to hear the good and the bad.  Getting 100% good is nearly impossible.  Nothing will be 100% out of the box.  And if you expect 100% you are suffering from not only #3 but #1 as well.

Being comfortable enough to explore yourself changes this mentality:

1) OWWW. You remind me sometimes that I am not perfect. That I am rude/mean/inconsiderate sometimes.  That I am vengeful/passive aggressive/not 100%/not good enough sometimes.  That is NOT okay!  I hate this!  I want OUT!  I guess I am meant to be alone because then I can JUST BE HAPPY! I WAS HAPPY BEFORE THIS!

to this:

2) I hear what you are saying & how it hurts you.  But I am secure about myself emotionally to know that I am not 100% evil/a bad person.  I have good intentions and I see somehow that doesn’t translate into my actions.  I understand things can be misinterpreted.  It’s not the end of the world.  I’ll see if I can approach it differently next time.

Mark says it is the difficult road to emotional stability.  Because in order to be healthy mentally you have to work hard at your own humility almost everyday, you have to work hard to be physically healthy (Your self esteem will be greatly influenced if you are not physically healthy), you have to fight every damn battle of irrational thoughts or refrain from behavior that can be misinterpreted.

Does this mean you are losing yourself and your own happiness?  I think the struggle is REAL, folks.  But you are not losing yourself.  You are gaining the ability to be close to someone and be okay with it.  This is a very cool skill to have.  Why not have the skill where you can be open, accept criticism come what may, still remain positive about life and love and proactively change yourself for the better?  Sure, the process will be painful.  Sure, you will probably have your ego crushed sometimes.  We can either let life hurt us and give us the excuse to stay hurt or we can be okay with what life throws at us because whatever it is… whether it be people who think we are not 100%… whether it be customers who just hate our guts…. or whether it is a big fat LEMON….

you can still make lemonade.

I think making lemonade when life throws you lemons is UNINTENTIONALLY PROFOUND.  It is profound because instead of running away from those pack of lemons, you are making something delicious out of them.  Happiness then ties into something that’s already there & working with it versus discarding it for the next thing that pops up.

The saying could’ve been… when life gives you lemons… you … THROW THEM ON THE GROUND.. and go with THE BAG OF APPLES.

(But it’s not.)

Yes. Chin pimples = CHIMPLES.

Yes. Chin pimples = CHIMPLES. Also, I was going to filter myself completely green to resemble the Hulk’s bastard child. But I changed my mind last minute.

 


No One Gets My “Wew”

Maybe it is a mild form of turrets for me, but I say “Wew” all the time to a lot of random people.

It brings me joy to utter that word.

Convo with R:

Me:  I messaged Wew to a whole bunch of people today. No one understands. Except Bob.

R:  And me. I understand. You even have a wew face.

R: My phone now autocorrects to wew.

And that is why R is still on my boyfriend list.

Convo with Bob:

Waking up LATE

Waking up LATE



A Poem About Sex (Must be over 18 to read below)

The other day my email to text conversation with R went like this:
Me: I like to write poems… about sex.
Me: Below is another one I wrote just now because I am horny.  And poetic.

 

The twist and turns, the fabric burns
Of limbs and skin and fluids churn
Out sticky cream; it hurts, it seems
that this pain is what i yearned in dreams.

 

The musk of tuffs, of smothered hair
of smell it permeates our air
It tears, your tongue, my swollen tip
Your grip, I trip, grab both my wrists

 

I’ll scream it out, out loud your name
I’ll whimper softly as I came
Again, once more, this faucet leaks
Eyes rolled, fluttered white to every squeeze

 

Exploding then, both flushed and red
Scratched back, bruised lips, a soiled bed
The cuddling is but only short lived, a Ruse
A simple pause before impending round Two.
————————————————-

R’s response through text:

“I saw your email.
And read your poem.
My big dick and balls.
You’d like to know ’em.”

 

———————————–
Yep.  It’s exactly what you think it is.


What have you learned about life so far

My friend, Hango, AKA, BOB, aka Hangalo, aka Hang… asked me to write a post for her.

Post topic: What are 5 things you have learned about life so far?

It has been a week and I told her I could only think of 1 or 2 or 3-ish at the most.

One is that failure is not the worst thing ever and exploring the weird and the interesting and the strangely taboo… is okay!  That is why I have a therapist.  I have insurance, it affords me a therapist, why not?  Mental health is important just as much as physical health – hence my gym membership.

To keep her identity somewhat private I will name her V.  V told me something very interesting in our last session.  And that is = most working relationships are 50/50.

I was completely oblivious to the fact that having someone pay for you, completely, when you can afford whatever yourself, is …. not right after the dating phase is over.

I shit you not I expected the relationship road ahead of me to be paved by a very nice, cushioned, money-bricked road.

Because I can deliver.  Crazy sex? Check.  A fun experience with another human being? Check. Whatever you want? Maybe check.

Obviously though, after it is no longer just dating and it becomes a relationship, things change.

The concept of paying for a date is still foreign to me.  I know, where have I been living?  Under ex boyfriends who have deluded me into thinking this was okay.  Figuratively, of course!

So the idea of paying… for dates…. is cringeworthy.    My therapist told me healthy and long lasting relationships REQUIRE me to start paying to show appreciation.

I have gotten this far along in my life to not pay during dates.  It’s time to give back?  In a relationship?  If I don’t want my man to feel under-appreciated?  Sure.

Not to say I am not generous.  I am generous in business.  I am generous with random strangers.  The concept of paying for a date does not fit in my paradigm of generosity but THIS IS LIFE!

I can hold my own and have no need for anyone to take care of me.  But what is wrong in wanting it?  Even if I make millions, I still want the guy to pay for everything. EVERYTHING.  I have been schooled that this is the wrong way to go about it.

Ahem.  So that is 1 or 2 life lessons I have learned so far.

Another lesson is….

The more time I have for myself or to be idle, the more I question everything about life.  So it’s best to keep busy and keep productive than to let random questions about life stop me from actually doing life because CONTEMPLATIONS and imaginary conversations are actually nothing when it comes down to it.

And sometimes it can be confused with “planning”, but really, it is just stalling.

If I want to do something, I should just do it.  Pick up a paper, start filling out forms.  Want to exercise?  Join the gym this second (online).  Don’t wait for that Costco discount.  You might go to Costco and decide to buy 10 pies instead of buying the gym membership.  Don’t deliberate.  Life put on pause is not worth it.  You think the outcome will be better if you wait for things to be different before you make the leap?  Unless you need time to save up money for something – it is not worth the wait.

I think these three things should suffice my friend’s bloodthirsty hunger for me to write this post.

You are welcome!

 

 


Ask Polly: How can I stop feeling like a failure?

Dear Polly,

I am in my late twenties and I am currently working almost seven days a week to make ends meet. I barely have a couple hundred dollars in my savings account…much of my paycheck goes towards paying for bills.  I do not shop much nor spend too frivolously thus I live within my means.  I feel that my life now revolves around finding ways to make more money so I don’t have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck.  My family currently lives in a small apartment and there’s not much space for anything.  I crave for a space that is mine, a place for a desk and a flower – a place I can work.  I want a garden for my grandmother so she won’t be bored.  She loves growing plants, flowers, and vegetables.  I don’t think I am really good at anything or have any skill that’s valuable to be able to increase my income to a lot more than what it is.  I guess time, hard work, and patience will be best for me.  I’m not too happy with myself because I don’t make much and I can’t take care of my family the way I want to.  Or I guess, I’m not happy because I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything.  Any ideas?

Thanks,

Too Poor Too Worried

 

Dear TPTW,

Everyone starts at the bottom.  Everyone.  And the fact that you aren’t making that much means you probably are at some entry-level job.  It takes usually a couple of years doing entry level before you are promoted to a decent salary given our economy.  Sure, you didn’t land that hot high salary paying job directly out of college and maybe you have stumbled upon many mediocre jobs before landing this one which by the way is still mediocre because you are again – starting over.   However, any job is better than no job.  Any movement in a direction where you are at least paying your bills, where your car payments and rent are being paid off is a positive direction.

 

Try sticking this job out for at least 2 years while improving instead of jumping from entry level job to entry level job.  It takes a certain tongue biting, a certain level of drudgery you’d have to endure before you can even demand for more.  You bid your time, you make friends with the boss, you make friends with coworkers, and you work smart enough to be noticed… but while you wait you don’t have to twiddle your thumb in agony over your low pay, you wait in GREAT ANTICIPATION AND EXCITEMENT for that day where you can ask for a higher salary because you fucking deserve it.

And let me tell you, that day will come sooner than you think.  Negotiating a higher salary is very common… Employees all around the world engage in this very act CONSTANTLY.  Once they ask for something better and they don’t get it, they at least have a couple of other options lined up.  So stop focusing on the drudgery and the low pay and the minutia of daily life.  Start collecting and DOCUMENTING your progress.  A good salary negotiation is going to be backed up by facts, by a long list of email testimonials of how great you are at your job, a power point presentation of how your contributions changed your company by X percentage in terms of sales, customer service recognition.  Arm your portfolio with as many complimentary amos as you can and spend your hours collecting and collecting instead of moping.  No compliment through email is too small.  No sales number is insignificant.  Not as long as there is progress.

I would highly recommend investing in salary negotiation techniques because they are worth it.  Ramit Sethi is known partially for his salary negotiation online product.  It is a couple of bucks for a chance to have the confidence to negotiate a several thousand dollar increase in your salary.  It is worth it.  I tried it myself and increased my bonus amount by 300%.  I know, ridiculous.  But you never know how much your employer is willing to give unless you ask for it.  Meanwhile, never stop applying to other jobs AS YOU IMPROVE, because you never know there might be a great job right around the corner with a higher salary you can use as leverage.  If another company is willing to pay you more, your company will no doubt look at you with a different perspective.  If you are suddenly in greater demand, that is all the more reason for them to give you what you want.

Let’s focus on your living situation.  Having your own desk with a FLOWER is not hard to do in any situation as long as there is a roof over your head.  Cell mates have their own desks.  At work, you have your own desk.  For your grandmother who loves growing vegetables, there are many indoor hanging plants she can do without having to add extra real estate to your current situation.  She can do a hanging tomato garden.  They even sell some kits at the $.99 only store!  She can totally start doing urban indoor gardening.

Sometimes, people in their twenties have the luxury to fool around, make mistakes, live life recklessly.  Life has serendipitously landed you a role of the caretaker for your family.  For you to take on that role is already so self sacrificing, you do not need to beat yourself up with further guilt for not providing them the mansion or lifestyle you believe they deserve.  I am pretty sure as long as you are paying all the bills, they have it pretty nice that someone else is taking care of them when they cannot do that for themselves.  Already there should be a deep sense of gratefulness and if you are taken for granted then you should not beat yourself up more for it.  Kind reminders of your generosity should at least be doled out once in a while so they can thank their lucky stars they are not homeless and starving.

You are right.  Time, patience, and hard work will definitely be the best for you.  It is in how you are biding your time that is causing mental agony.  Bide your time by filling it up with your portfolio of minor to major accomplishments.  You will see how they all add up.  Bide your time by relishing in the simple joys life affords you because you are going somewhere and doing something instead of sitting around all day waiting for someone else to take care of you (I am adding this just in case but I know you already have your own life-relishing activities).  It is important not to dismiss how important you are.  Without you, your family will not have the care they are receiving.  Without you, your company wouldn’t be benefiting so much from your efforts.  It is important also to not dismiss your accomplishments no matter how minor.

The accompanying praise and the relics given to those who reach their milestones which are declared on Facebook or in real life… their milestones for the most part resulted from long roads traveled.  Their milestones were accompanied by years of hard work, years riddled with tiny moments where they feel they are not worth it because they haven’t reached their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow yet.

The accomplishments you achieve, however minor, should be documented and not so easily dismissed so that when you step back to get an emotional outcast of your current situation – it is a feeling of gathered accomplishments enough for the overall picture to be a good one.  A progressing one.  There is something inside of you that is burning with truth – that you are worth and you deserve a lot more than your current salary and standard of living.  Keep that truth burning because it is so so so much better than resigning to thinking your current situation is the way it always will be.  Your salary is the best you can get.  Your life is as good as it gets when it isn’t so good.  The fact that despite what you tell me about how down you are about your current situation, you still maintain the “this can’t be it, it can get better, I am worth a lot more than this” attitude.  So deep down you know your worth.  KEEP  PUSHING that feeling towards the surface so taking a step back to view yourself won’t be a painful experience of, “where am I? I haven’t gone anywhere,” to “I know my value and I am not standing still.  Life is moving forward.  I am moving forward.  I am not where I want to be now but there is nothing stopping me from getting there.  THESE ARE JUST MY HUMBLE MOTHERFUCKING BEGINNINGS, BITCHES!  ONWARDS HO!”

Polly

Simply because I am so DAMN HAPPY all the time and I get many “Dear Polly” type questions from friends, I figured I’ll answer one publicly.  If it proves to be a fun activity I will keep it up.  If not, oh well, onto other things.

Feel free to contact me and send me your “ASK POLLY” questions.  I will keep them anonymous and answer them!



Pints All Around, Hops in Your Cups, Balls to the Wall

So I am a supporter of all things magical and fun.

Mike and Dariane

Mike and Dariane

Pints All Around is written by Michael Le and Dariane – a couple who decided that they would rather travel the world for a little bit before too many obligations tie them down.

And they are smart about it.  They spent time gathering free mileage, they spent time researching what to pack, they read travel blogs and they prepare well in advance for their journey.

This is the trend that I see going on lately.  Same with this Blog by my colleague Philip Luu.  And then I read quora answers such as the one below: http://www.quora.com/Backpacking-travel/Is-backpacking-really-worth-it/answer/Jack-Calnan?ref=fb.

Michael – or as I call him simply – Mike, describes this journey as a dilation in the space time continuum because time moves way too fast when your life comprises mostly of traveling, but when you look back you realize you’ve lived quite a bit.  Jack Calnan describes it as a series of never ending adventures.

I am seething with envy.

It makes sense, doesn’t it?

When the future is no longer about working all your life for that golden pension, when your value as an individual is not so much defined by how much you fit in line and climb a corporate ladder , when you can make enough money to experience an enriched life through spurts of traveling meanwhile always knowing that you can go back to a job whenever you desire – you fucking go for it.

You can climb a corporate ladder enough to solidify your value from age 22 – 26/27.  Then go travel for a bit before you hit your mid thirties with a halted metabolism, mortgage, kids,  and toppling health issues. You can always take vacations as you go through your schooling as well.

So I raise my glass full of hops to people like Mike, Dariane, Philip, and Jack (total stranger) – for having the balls to go out there and experience as much of the world as they can before life hits them hard in those same balls.  Or maybe not.  Or maybe life continues to be completely adventurous and filled with flying unicorns.

Either way – here is a picture from Mike’s blog.

On a weakly similar note I am going to Mazatlan for vacation in a month for 9 days.  I’ll be staying at the El Cid resort.  Sure sure I just started a business – but this is MY LIFE.  I have to live it.  Any good suggestions?


 Is There A Use To Being

The Devil’s Advocate

For Insight ?

Credit to: Forbes.com

 

Once again, it’s this nagging idea that has been bothering me.

Sometimes (or often)… you like to take brute pride in your own convictions.  And you are then asked to be humble by certain methods of persuasion.  One method the other party might enact includes playing the Devil’s advocate to remind you that different perspectives may exist.  More like a fight for neutrality.

“SOME people might perceive it as that… yes… but others might not.”

How are you supposed to respond?

“Umm… yes.”

You realize this bothers you because after that “yes” is verbalized, your mind is probably going “So what the fuck is next?”

When a person is playing Devil’s advocate simply as a way to rub some neutral ground to your stated opinion (extreme as they may be sometimes)…. the only use of this tool is for halting what may come from your opinion.  It’s to halt the next move towards your end game.  Why?  Because there is fear that you would take it too far?  Because of their neurotic urge to feel right with an easy cop-out by stating the obvious?

Playing the Devil’s advocate without a proposed different solution or different insight provides no value add.  It is a form of underestimating my intelligence by reminding me of what should be very much common sense.

Of course some people may see it as this and not that.  OF COURSE others might view it differently.  OF COURSE I might be the product of my own environment.  OF COURSE it could be a strong influence of proximity, of peers, and OF COURSE.. it might not.  THIS OR THAT… SOMETIMES… These phrases bother me if there is no solution after the fact.

Provide a damn solution if you are going to try and bring me back to the neutral ground I strayed away from.  Purposely I left that neutral place a long time ago because I have an opinion.

My response could be, “Well, it’s my own opinion.  Others might think differently.  This is how I think.”

But that would be too obvious.  Much more obvious than, “Some people think this way, others think that, too.  Not everyone is like that, some of them are like that, others are not.  Some things are that way.  Often times it could be something different.”

It’s maddening because there is no proposed solution.  It’s maddening because the very act of having an opinion is to take a stand away from being neutral.

Not from intolerance.

Not from bigotry.

But because you have a fucking opinion.

/End rant.


What Does It Mean When You Require More Attention

Credit to: GETGOODGAME.COM

I wanted to write about my take on what people consider “neediness” they don’t want/need to deal with.  Why? Because it is a topic which is bothering me as of late.

At the beginning of a relationship, if it is the ones that start post-college, let’s face it – it probably is very sexual.

And when people meet up for these “dates” which are really = eating and waiting to have intercourse periods, ESPECIALLY when two people are casually dating and before exclusivity is declared….. you are not friends.  Sorry.  You are CFWBs.

CFWBs = CIVIL Friends With Benefits.  Because you are not outright declaring you are using each other for sex/company since you don’t even know much about the other person.  But basically that is what it is.  TRUST.

This is compared to DFWBs = DECLARED Friends with Benefits.  DFWBs are either best buddies who share a mutual love for sex and consistently sabotaging any real romantic relationship with their attempted dates OR they share a very cold relationship where hitting it and quitting it is the norm… still consistently sabotaging any real romantic relationship with their attempted dates.

When CFWBs become GF/BFs there is a shift in the paradigm.  Both have agreed that they can have great sex and now are moving on towards other things…. like getting to know each other.  Once great sex is almost a guaranty – you can commence with the transition between SEX MOSTLY to a SEX + Sprinkles of Romance relationship.

Here is where things tend to get STICKY.

ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE A NEED TO RECEIVE MORE ATTENTION.  OR BOTH!

Because a transition from CFWBs –> GF/BF will not be a happy one unless SOMETHING is realized.  That something is the fact that a yearning for friendship/love has begun.  Improper response: “Hey, I was used to only responding to you once a week – what happened? WHY ARE YOU SO MUCH MORE NEEDY?”  Proper response: “Oh, so you need me to do that to make you happy?  Alrighty then!  Let’s get this show on the ROAD.”

When something CLICKS in your mind and you want more attention/texting/calling/initiation during a period where there is USUALLY RADIO SILENCE…… you, my friend, are only exercising your right for love.

Think about it.  You are given love freely from your parents.  You are given love freely from friends – OF COURSE they don’t mind your need to share your thoughts.  There is no such thing as an overload (unless that person is naturally annoying by a unanimous vote).  You start to want the friendship/love that comes freely with others in your life – from your recently acquired significant other.

You are normal.

There are MANY ways this scenario can turn out:

1) They react with insecurity/fear for their own freedom thinking it is mostly about them and not really about your yearning to be fulfilled emotionally (because you got the physical shit DOWN)… then they are not your cup of tea.  Spit it out.  Throw away the  freakin’ cup.  Life is short.  There is no need to keep on sipping that bitter nasty cup of tea when you can have the greatest CHAI TEA you’ve ever tasted in your LIFE if you simply moved on.

2)  They react with trying to increase attention but naturally they suck at it because they are not used to it.  Know yourself to know how much longer you can tolerate it.  However, you will only continue to struggle with it which might lead to fights and could otherwise mess up an okay ending to a short lived story.  No one needs to get mauled in this process.  It was a good run – carry on.  Everyone can move on happy.

3) They react by giving you the attention you need in DROVES.   Like a train that suddenly started and will move NONSTOP.  Like a double rainbow that never stops shinning – providing happiness forever.  You are deliriously happy.  You both move forward in delirious happiness.  Because they realize it’s not about THEM when it comes to asking for more attention, it’s about YOU.  And making YOU happy is what matters.

I might have exaggerated on certain parts of this description.  But you get the gist of what I am saying.

*This is to exclude all behaviors of emotional manipulation.  Once emotional manipulation comes into play – this whole explanation is moot.*


“Everything around you that you call Life was made up of people who are no smarter than you.” – Steve Jobs.

So you can change and mold life to whatever you want it to be, basically.

For years of my life I have given in to my parents’ pressure of going down this road.  Every other word was uttered with extreme fear of the unknown and traveling a safe road would be best.  Even though every inch of my being wanted something else completely – I kept trying a path I hated to travel.  Maybe that was why I kept changing my mind, pretending to friends and families about something that wasn’t even relevant to their life – my career goals.

It wasn’t after a messy breakup, countless attempts to do something my heart wasn’t even into, that I decided to say the hell with it.

I’m done with trying paths my heart wasn’t passionate about.  Because I will never be able to live with myself.  Because what I discovered through this journey called “Life” was that I would never be successful due to self sabotage if it’s not something I will fall in love with.  And it wasn’t until I recognized this pattern in myself that was able to let go.

In letting go there is no more fear.  Fear of failure? Forget it.  Fear of backstabbing?  Been there, survived it, continuing to live life trusting again.  Fear of being broke?  I know English, right?  I can communicate?  I’ll be okay.  Fear of being taken advantage of?  Nope.  I am too damn smart for that.  Many of my fears are eliminated.

And I am most happy living this way.


 

Copyright by Passive Income Marathon Inc.