Updates & Just checkin’ in withcha
It’s been awhile since I blogged and I said I would blog every week. Well, that just went straight out the window. My last update was end of June 2017. It’s now August, 2017.
Since then I hiked half dome (the cables way). I went to a friend’s wedding in San Francisco and took the time to bike for miles and miles around the area and across the golden gate bridge. I visited Matthes Crest by roping up and down it, soloing a part of the traverse for 6 hours of my 17 hour day. I climbed at various other places, visited 15 cities and 42 locations (random restaurants, etc.). Went through another staff rotation. Launched another product. Life has been busy.
I was with someone on and off for many years and for the first time in my life I’m not anymore. For good. Like this usual feeling of permanence has disappeared. And I’m okay with it.
To improve my writing, no matter how short the update, I’m just going to post it. I don’t network enough to get rid of the fob voice in my head. HAHA. So writing the shit out of it will help (I think).
I think this update is really about how I feel as I age. I’m 30 now and it seems like I’m less hardcore (in my own perspective) in looking at the world in an idealistic way. The older I grow, the easier it gets to just surrender to life being one chaotic blessing. My world changes almost all the time. I take off, on short notice, to what I believe are grand adventures. I do not care as much about what people think. I listen to my body a lot more. Every week, every month is different. Sometimes I crave consistency. Sometimes I get irritated at the tumultuous nature of it all. Sometimes I lie in bed all day while listening to YouTube in the background.
After living this life for years, I don’t know what a normal schedule is like anymore. I don’t feel envious of anyone because I see everyone as living their separate lives with their own imperfections and happiness sprinkled with moments of melancholy and life crises. I guess it’s more like “what the fuck is next?”.
And my biological clock is eerily silent. I have no desire to have children (yet), I do not look my age so I feel like I have borrowed time. Is there a desire to leave behind a legacy? No. All I’m waiting for is just enough capital to acquire more….. things? I feel like I’m living now just to continue living. Like eating to enjoy food and keeping myself alive. I’m not ambitious enough to have “milestones” and I’m not lazy enough not to have short term goals. I’m not superficial enough to own a bunch of shit and I’m not dirtbag enough to just abandon it all for a long period of time.
I don’t see an end to this. I am content and then discontent for being content. I experience moments of such joy when I stare at some cloud formations on top of a beautiful landscape and then my period comes and fucks it up for 2-3 days as I agonize over inconsequential shit. My parents are doing fine and my brother will become a legit doctor in 1 year. No one in my life is suffering (knock on wood), and all I have to do now is LIVE. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Even while supporting other people by providing them income, is that not enough a sense of purpose for me to not feel aimless? No. Not enough. Still feeling aimless (but not in a sad way, more like a feather in a Forest Gump movie type of way). Even while using my money to donate to charity… feeling less aimless? No.
This is how I feel now that I’m no longer in my twenties. What’s the goal, now? Try not to get too irked by everything happening with politics? Some of my friends have found purpose by impacting a bunch of people in their lives. Maybe that’s next, but I’m in such a hypnotic lull of my own freedom that I don’t feel pushed in any which way all the meanwhile questioning the validity of it all. Questioning if this life is now a valid one.
Some of my friends have kids and their “why” is so defined, it feels nice to be around that sense of certainty. HAH. Okay, /end rambling.
Some tips I’ve learned:
- If you are going to try and solo Matthes Crest (even a part of it), do it at the very beginning so you don’t feel like your rope is a life line you can’t kick. My climbing partner Clark taught me this mental trick and it worked! It was only at the end of the day did my mental strength started draining and I had to be rope rescued because I froze literally some meters before our point of descent (AFTER I soloed up a peak already and had to down climb).
- Mole skin is the best.
- Listen to your friends when they tell you Gladiacoin is shady. (haaaahhh)
- Sometimes reading a 5 page PDF guide on how to do something is better than thinking of all the hurdles you’ll encounter trying to do said thing.
I’m sure you went here thinking you’d learn something about passive income and I’m just rambling on about life. Seems like that’s the trend here. Maybe I’ll write enough so that not EVERY blog post is a ramble. Just every OTHER blog post… is a ramble. =)
How do you feel once you’ve hit your thirties? Or how do you feel approaching 30? Is it a lot of “what the fuck? what the fuck?… what…..the fuck…happens…now?”. Let me know. I’d like to know.
