Almost Breaking Up Again, So What’s The Point?

I was having a conversation with a friend today about an “almost break up” moment I had with my boyfriend and she said, “Hey! Me too!”.  I inquired what was her reasoning and she explained that it has to do with different communication styles.  Both of our boyfriends are fairly inexperienced with relationships.  She confessed she is inexperienced as well.  And come to think of it, even though I was in a long term relationship at one point… I am also fairly inexperienced.

What have we learned, really?  Unless something forces us to drastically change, we just carry the mistakes of the past into our current relationships and blame it on each other if we call it quits.

The meshing of two people with two completely separate lifestyles is a recipe that needs a LOT of compromising to work.  I don’t know of anyone who likes carrying around compromises in their back pockets.

Sometimes I get caught in the “now”.  Sometimes I am very selfish.  And when that happens I don’t see the whole forest when I am stuck amongst the bristles of a leaf barren tree.  And sometimes HE is too.  No one’s perfect!  Maybe that metaphor was a bit too much.

By being caught in the moment – I amplify the importance of decisions and I amplify my emotional sensitivity to a point where words will hurt (hard).  When things are amplified and urgent, this could create stress and a heavy feeling on everyone involved.

There just needs to be a reminder that hey – I have the rest of my life to figure this out.  What’s the hurry?  If there is a mixture of kindness, patience, and willingness to be emotionally open – really – there is no reason to act with haste.

That is one life lesson I’ve learned (among others) about relationships thus far.  That there is time to learn and grow.  There is time for trust to be built.  There is always time for that proof to bloom in anyone’s perspective of who you are…  You can decide to be urgent if it is biologically healthy for you to do so.  Otherwise, there is always time.

So chill.

Honestly, you can be free and single at any point in life.  Nothing will stop this from happening if you want it to happen.  No marriage certificate, no promise ring, no title… nothing.  So the decision to go back to a status quo might sometimes be what you need.

However – on the other hand… the risk you are taking by having someone in your life to act like your sounding board, to open your eyes on how you are when you are so damn close to another human being (different from family and friends), to give you a healthy reflection of how you really come off… and to care deeply enough to be honest with you about it because there is a vested interest in the betterment of yourself as a person… is worth the whole thing.

All of it.

The entire risk of a relationship.

And that’s the point of a relationship (to me).

So I guess I am pretty damn oblivious to a lot of things.

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On a separate note, here is a random incomplete poem I wrote purely for entertainment purposes while I was bored at the warehouse:

Plunging, suddenly I am hurling towards

More idle time, racking my brain for more stymie rhymes

Steering my irises through window panes

Letting these surroundings fast forward I will choose

To be fashionably late again

 

I am simply mopping to cope with coming down from

Another adrenaline high

I am also playing pretend to infuse these sometimes provincial moments

With exciting lies

I will act like I am hypnotized

I will fake it till I make it as I compromise

 

Oh don’t bother coming down from your thrones

To join me here weeping

Where I will squeeze tears as a sport because it is better than

Not feeling.

—————–

Because I am feeling silly, asian, and duck-faced:

 



A Poem About Sex (Must be over 18 to read below)

The other day my email to text conversation with R went like this:
Me: I like to write poems… about sex.
Me: Below is another one I wrote just now because I am horny.  And poetic.

 

The twist and turns, the fabric burns
Of limbs and skin and fluids churn
Out sticky cream; it hurts, it seems
that this pain is what i yearned in dreams.

 

The musk of tuffs, of smothered hair
of smell it permeates our air
It tears, your tongue, my swollen tip
Your grip, I trip, grab both my wrists

 

I’ll scream it out, out loud your name
I’ll whimper softly as I came
Again, once more, this faucet leaks
Eyes rolled, fluttered white to every squeeze

 

Exploding then, both flushed and red
Scratched back, bruised lips, a soiled bed
The cuddling is but only short lived, a Ruse
A simple pause before impending round Two.
————————————————-

R’s response through text:

“I saw your email.
And read your poem.
My big dick and balls.
You’d like to know ’em.”

 

———————————–
Yep.  It’s exactly what you think it is.


I want to thank you for consistently activating your decency.

When, really, it’s much more simple to do what’s easy.

To voice skepticism after scorn and encourage a “come on’ “, to push onto me a jaded reality.

How ubiquitous it is of the unfaithful, how prevalent the existence of a much crueler society.

An easy emotional manipulation hiding under the sheep’s skin of a farce worldly protection.

To inject real emotion brings about an almost necessary type of caring.

Accomplished by an imagination strong enough to procure your empathy.

This empathy tugs at my heartstrings and the passion echoes – so loudly.

That spreading sound is what’s helping.

Maintaining

my own decency.  My own sanity.

Decency

Decency


Another poem I wrote in the past.  I realize none of my poems are searchable while they are on facebook.  At least you can search for them here.

Blurry

Opaque the vague background behind us;
suddenly they’re inconsequential,
Not a drop of preponderance to their eyeful.

Unassuming audiences made blurry like rapid motion pasted on Polaroid
dismissed as easily as ambiance noise to the blackness of pheromones
surrounded yet still demanding reassurances of my company,
you bury your nose against the softness of cashmere, leaking
fervently strands of my midnight dyed hair.

Impetus, almost violent clarity shining light on our indifference
of this public display of seduction.
Singles gasp with indignant disdain, their dismay at our ludicrous display
dubbed ignorance.
Demanding sympathy in chastise, provoking
our movement towards private down sheets;
welding curtains protective for their short lived shielding.

Let it be witnessed my blushed red bosom from wanted constrictive embraces,
my lashes curled naturally, pressed against the pores of your crow lines.
Let it be admissible each bruise caused by our unabashed emotion,
Locked tight our lips, promoting these shocks coursing through each party
as visibly explosive as land mines.

And when ideals escape while the smog seeps in,
the harsh weather reminding
us to be instantly obliging to their societal stories,
to search hastily for our forgotten mores,
…let us not find them


Wrote this in 2008.  But still, it is my favorite.

Black and white Polaroid happiness, I’ll bring out your crinkled noses.
Karaoke blasting to off beat tunes, singing out loud.
Nevermind the booing crowd. This song’s dedicated to you, kid.
Slither your eyes down these curves of mine, I’ll thrust you into oblivion.
With a smirk on my face, twirl me with this hypnotic trance, you set the pace.
There’s glitter to this back and forth, our torque, you suspend me mid-way
Then dip me. With the rose and the thorns clenched, barely, through your teeth. (more…)

Copyright by Passive Income Marathon Inc.