Updates & Just checkin’ in withcha

It’s been awhile since I blogged and I said I would blog every week.  Well, that just went straight out the window.  My last update was end of June 2017.  It’s now August, 2017.

Since then I hiked half dome (the cables way). I went to a friend’s wedding in San Francisco and took the time to bike for miles and miles around the area and across the golden gate bridge.  I visited Matthes Crest by roping up and down it, soloing a part of the traverse for 6 hours of my 17 hour day. I climbed at various other places, visited 15 cities and 42 locations (random restaurants, etc.). Went through another staff rotation. Launched another product.  Life has been busy.

I was with someone on and off for many years and for the first time in my life I’m not anymore. For good.  Like this usual feeling of permanence has disappeared.  And I’m okay with it.

To improve my writing, no matter how short the update, I’m just going to post it.  I don’t network enough to get rid of the fob voice in my head. HAHA.  So writing the shit out of it will help (I think).

I think this update is really about how I feel as I age.  I’m 30 now and it seems like I’m less hardcore (in my own perspective) in looking at the world in an idealistic way.  The older I grow, the easier it gets to just surrender to life being one chaotic blessing.  My world changes almost all the time.  I take off, on short notice, to what I believe are grand adventures.  I do not care as much about what people think.  I listen to my body a lot more.  Every week, every month is different.  Sometimes I crave consistency.  Sometimes I get irritated at the tumultuous nature of it all.  Sometimes I lie in bed all day while listening to YouTube in the background.

After living this life for years, I don’t know what a normal schedule is like anymore.  I don’t feel envious of anyone because I see everyone as living their separate lives with their own imperfections and happiness sprinkled with moments of melancholy and life crises.  I guess it’s more like “what the fuck is next?”.

And my biological clock is eerily silent.  I have no desire to have children (yet), I do not look my age so I feel like I have borrowed time.  Is there a desire to leave behind a legacy?  No.  All I’m waiting for is just enough capital to acquire more….. things?  I feel like I’m living now just to continue living.  Like eating to enjoy food and keeping myself alive.  I’m not ambitious enough to have “milestones” and I’m not lazy enough not to have short term goals.  I’m not superficial enough to own a bunch of shit and I’m not dirtbag enough to just abandon it all for a long period of time.

I don’t see an end to this.  I am content and then discontent for being content.  I experience moments of such joy when I stare at some cloud formations on top of a beautiful landscape and then my period comes and fucks it up for 2-3 days as I agonize over inconsequential shit.  My parents are doing fine and my brother will become a legit doctor in 1 year.  No one in my life is suffering (knock on wood), and all I have to do now is LIVE.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Even while supporting other people by providing them income, is that not enough a sense of purpose for me to not feel aimless?  No.  Not enough.  Still feeling aimless (but not in a sad way, more like a feather in a Forest Gump movie type of way).  Even while using my money to donate to charity… feeling less aimless? No.

This is how I feel now that I’m no longer in my twenties.  What’s the goal, now? Try not to get too irked by everything happening with politics?  Some of my friends have found purpose by impacting a bunch of people in their lives.  Maybe that’s next, but I’m in such a hypnotic lull of my own freedom that I don’t feel pushed in any which way all the meanwhile questioning the validity of it all.  Questioning if this life is now a valid one.

Some of my friends have kids and their “why” is so defined, it feels nice to be around that sense of certainty. HAH.  Okay, /end rambling.

Some tips I’ve learned:

  1. If you are going to try and solo Matthes Crest (even a part of it), do it at the very beginning so you don’t feel like your rope is a life line you can’t kick.  My climbing partner Clark taught me this mental trick and it worked!  It was only at the end of the day did my mental strength started draining and I had to be rope rescued because I froze literally some meters before our point of descent (AFTER I soloed up a peak already and had to down climb).
  2. Mole skin is the best.
  3. Listen to your friends when they tell you Gladiacoin is shady. (haaaahhh)
  4. Sometimes reading a 5 page PDF guide on how to do something is better than thinking of all the hurdles you’ll encounter trying to do said thing.

I’m sure you went here thinking you’d learn something about passive income and I’m just rambling on about life.  Seems like that’s the trend here.  Maybe I’ll write enough so that not EVERY blog post is a ramble.  Just every OTHER blog post… is a ramble. =)

 

How do you feel once you’ve hit your thirties?  Or how do you feel approaching 30?  Is it a lot of “what the fuck? what the fuck?… what…..the fuck…happens…now?”.  Let me know. I’d like to know.


OH SO TIRED

I apologize for the lack of REAL meaty, how-to posts you guys desire (and face it, it’s the only thing you want anyway).

To quickly update.  For the first time in my LIFE I’ve hired a full time virtual assistant.  So far… so good.  I have more time for myself which means AFTER work this is what I do:

1) Drive down the hill to go indoor rock climbing at a Hanger 18 (upland, rancho).  I can do V2+’s now!

2) Spend hours and hours after midnight talking to manufacturers in China (Because I want to start an import company).

3) Spending hours creating new training for my VA.

4) Spending hours listening/learning from online modules by David Siteman Garland teaching me how to Create An Awesome Course Online (Because that’s also want to do).  I have subscribers for my software company (of which I am a co-founder) BUT it’s not nearly at the level it can be and I really want to spend the next months pushing it to the next level.

5) Spend more time meeting random strangers at meetup groups (Because … I want to!).

With more free time I basically exhaust myself almost completely with physical exertions of mental exertions and then I crash hard.  No one is forcing me to do anything.  Everything I want to do, I do it because I can.

I also sleep almost all day sometimes on Saturdays… because I want to [notice the theme here? the UNDERLYING theme?].  Here is a verbal explanation of my current life: ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO. I WANT TO CLIMB. I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH. I WANT TO GO TO THE FAIR. I WANT MORE. HERE LET ME TREAT YOU OUT BECAUSE I CAN. HERE LET ME TREAT MYSELF OUT BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. ME ME ME ME ME ME. YOU? OKAY, SURE. BACK TO ME. [My friend recently had a something similar.. a stream of conscience of some sort… and I decided it was pretty damn accurate of my situation as well… so I shamelessly copied her (Credit to Robin Tran)].

After a cup of sake + frozen strawberries to cap off the night.

After a cup of sake + frozen strawberries to cap off the night. Notice the eye goop? Good.

I’m learning how to love myself more and not having to worry so much about money (now) is such a blessing in almost all aspects of my damn life.

Sales dipped a little for the auto dismantling company but I spent a lot of time training vs. listing (to FREE myself!) so it was worth it.  I want to be free. I want to stop trading hours for dollars, dammnit.

Some screenshots that were relevant to my life below.  And that’s it!  Because I’m tired & I want to go to sleep.

I promise I PROMISE I will find time to post something relevant.  For now the most relevant thing I can tell you guys is:

1) I’m starting an import company.

2) I am going to start an online course THE RIGHT WAY (with the right softwares).  By the way, why does wordpress auto correct me when I type softwareS?  Is software not SUPPOSED to be plural? What?

3) I’m in the process of slowly and surely automating my auto dismantling company so it can run without me.  I’m taking the steps, sir!

4) I find that with financial stability I love myself A LOT MORE. (Free drinks on me!)  I want more than this provincial life!! (to be honest, this life is rather insane already).

5) I’m becoming more and more involved with different communities,I’m enjoying giving free advice left and right to help whoever I can and even though my sleep schedule is completely fucked up by now – I love it.

Auto Dismantling Sales

Auto Dismantling Sales

Separate Credit Card Sales

Separate Credit Card Sales

Software company sales

Software company sales

Question!: What is going on in your life that I can help with?  Leave comments below or send me a private email!  I’m not making any promises. But hey, I’ll take a stab at it.


March Financial and Life Updates

You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye
And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause we never go out of style
We never go out of style

 Whatup peeps.  I am in love with that Taylor Swift song right now.  I’m going to write my own rendition below:

You got that broad shoulder, confident swagger, blue gleam in your eyes

And I got that long hair, small curve, submissive thing that you like

And when we go crashing down, we come back every time

Cause we never go out of style

We never go out of style

Yeahhhh.  So the highlights below are sales numbers & lessons learned AND a link to the Livestream I will have tonight at 8PM on Youtube and Google+ about simple SEO techniques with wordpress.  You can come hang out with me, or not.

Life is still DAMN HECTIC.  AND I am woozy from Theraflu.  Theraflu at Walgreens is $2.00 more expensive than Theraflu anywhere else.  At least in Hesperia.

I’m trying to get to 20K/month and I am getting CLOSER!  Why 20K?  Because at that point I can hire a secretary/office manager full time and be happy with it. [I am currently vetting for one!]  I have virtual assistants and a trusty mechanic.  But a full time secretary/office manager is something else.  For the past 30 days these are my sales for my automobile dismantling company.

WHAT I LEARNED:

1) Listing/posting items is the number one priority.  I need to list at LEAST 100 items/week to keep replenishing the inventory.  If I FAIL to do so, sales drop.  Simple as that.

2) Nothing else matters until I get to 20K in sales.

For the software company I want to at least get to 1K/month in sales.  The cool thing about this is that there is NO crazy fees (besides the paypal fee), NO SHIPPING COST, No handling cost… just…… simple delivery of the software.  If it’s not for you, hey, full 30 day warranty.  Life is much easier with the software company.

Software company salesWHAT I LEARNED..AGAIN!:

1) I really need to do 3 part video launch sequence.

2) I cannot really focus on this until I master running the automobile dismantling company a bit more.  So chipping at this little by little is the best I can do for now.

Trying to pose like a BAMF.  But really, I need to get stronger and climb better.

 

Tonight I will be on Youtube/Google Hangouts on Air to answer your questions & teach you about SEO:

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvDHLdHCj6A

Google+ link: https://plus.google.com/events/cddd4gelqsivncvb7gdlqps3ris

If you missed it, don’t worry!  It’s recorded and stored on youtube below:

 

I have a sore throat that won’t quit so I’m not going to be all hyper.  The session will be short and sweet to whoever attends.  Other than that I want to ask you guys something – WHERE DOES EVERYONE GET THE ENERGY TO DO EVERYTHING???

I feel so drained.

I was on quora and I read that James Altucher, one of my favorite writers, has 15 streams of income.  I was talking to my warehouse neighbor the other day and he is retired in his thirties, renting out the warehouse in the back just so he can work on his toys – a boat, bikes, and cars.  GAH.  Time to get a move-on, KIM!

Thank you guys for letting me be so damn free and post whatever I want (or am I just doing this all without your permission?) on this little piece of the internet.  It really motivates me to keep on improving and it’s nice to look back to see my progress.

Follow me!

Twitter: @kimpossibledang

Instagram: @kimpossibledang

Facebook: http://facebook.com/kimpossibledang

 


February Progress Update

Howdy folks!  So I have to kick myself for saying I’ll update every Wednesdays.  THIS time I mean it, I’m going to keep it up.

I just want to pop in and give you guys a quick update on the two projects I have going on thus far + life stuff [do you even care?].  So seriously, if you don’t care.. you can skip this whole post. =)  No hard feelings.

Automobile Dismantling company – sales are steadily climbing.  It’s not where I really want to be since I just cruised it for the first half of the month (I focused on dismantling the 7 engines we already have versus buying another car).

HKA_2_26_2015

So far for February 2015.

CC_sales

Separate credit card sales.

This is what happens when you cruise.. you think you will push sales to $15-$20K and you might be lucky if it breaks $13K this month.  There are still FOUR days left!

So in the spirit of NOT cruising/coasting along.. I went and bought another car because it’s ABOUT TIME to keep on gettin’ it:

Range Rover

My 22nd car is a 2003 Range Rover. Vroom vroom.

I’m also working on a software company.  Software company sales comparison of all of last year to the almost three months in of this year:

SFL_Jan1_Dec31

Last Year’s Sales when we launched in August 2014. Total sales for last year.

This is this year’s sales.  My projection is.. at this rate… our sales will be maybe $4-$5K IF there is no progress whatsoever.  But I am going to try and create a community with the software company.  Wish me luck. & Provide input if you can!

SFL_Jan1_Feb26_2015

Total sales from January 2015 to now (February 26 2015)

Still made time for rock climbing:

fairviewmountain

Climbed at Fairview Mountain in Apple Valley with old friends and new friends!

fairviewmountain2

Still pushing myself to lead ’em routes!

Still made time for Valentine fun in Vegas.

Climbed at Red Rocks

Climbed at Red Rocks

bellagio2015

Saw the O Show at the Bellagio. Awesome show.  $197 buckeroos/ticket.  It wasn’t cheap, folks.

Oh!  And I’m starting to eat healthy again.  SMOOTHIES EVERY MORNING with a touch of virgin coconut oil. Yum.

Where I’m going next:

This meetup event.  It is for High Desert Entrepreneurs.  This is where I’ll be on Saturday 2/28/15.

http://www.meetup.com/High-Desert-Entrepreneurs/

In MARCH 14th, 2015 I will be teaching a group of writers how to set up their wordpress websites.  I’ll begin filming the tutorial videos for that class this upcoming week.  I’ll update this post to have the link for that event soon. << I AM DAMN EXCITED ABOUT THIS EVENT BECAUSE IT IS ONE STEP CLOSER TO WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO … HELP PEOPLE DO SOMETHING WITH WEBSITES! (AND EVENTUALLY EARN THEM $$.. OR SOMETHING ELSE… RECOGNITION? SELF LOVE? ENLIGHTENMENT?)

Giving inspiration is going to feel great.  It’s one step closer to feeling less selfish about this life.

What I should be doing next:

1) Creating a good email response system of the 700+ emails for the automobile dismantling company & the 70+ subscribers for the software company (including a 3 part launch).

2) Focus focus focus.

I’m so not focused.  I get easily distracted and I’m easily influenced by my environment.  It’s a trait I’m not proud to have but I am what I am and it is what it is. OH WELL!  The main thing is I don’t quit.  Most importantly I’m not quitting on not being so distracted so in the end I’m constantly trying to re-focus myself and it works (sometimes).

I really don’t know how people who have a billion things going on .. do it all.  They say the average millionaire has seven streams of income.  I have… less than four.  Hence, the non-millionaire status.  They must have a personal assistant at their beck and call because frankly… trying to run 2 businesses + have other nagging businesses snipping at my feet because I’ve started them & have yet to do anything with them, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, maintaining a relationship, blah blah blah.. whine whine whine… HOW DO YOU DO IT?

It’s amazing everything hasn’t gone to shit.

This has been an extremely selfish post.  The next post you’ll get is a video series (maybe part 1) of how to go from NOTHING to a wordpress website.

Until next time.

Toodles.

 


How To Still Learn

1) By not quitting.

THE END!

So today I want to discuss several things.  All the things I wrote about earlier… I moved forward in that direction but ended up not doing much of it.  Probably 20% was done.

I tried not buying any cars for this month (October) and decided to “coast”… however.. sales dropped from 11K to 7.5K.

That’s what I get when I try to “coast” an automobile dismantling company.

With less to do – I sometimes just spend the whole day reading blogs.

This is not productive.

The lesson learned here is always try new things and you will figure out what works and what doesn’t.

What I discovered in my laziness is that spending MORE money by buying cars will create waaaaaay more sales than the savings I get by not purchasing more cars for that particular month.  Sure, I save… $1K by not buying another car.  I just lose $3K in return.  If I did spend that $1K-$2K buying/dismantling that car… I would receive back 4-5K more that month.

THIS IS LIFE.  A constant, continual, learning experience.

Reed told me posting pictures of my feet might be disgusting.  Who cares, I’m posting it below:

Keepin' it real with the cotton balls.

Keepin’ it real with the cotton balls.  Look!  Halloween themed, yay!

I went to get a pedicure for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE with my gal pal Val.  It felt good, but for some reason I didn’t feel the necessity of it.  I didn’t get this overwhelming itch some females have for this ritual of having to be served by hand and feet from another human being and then painted on for several hours as they gossip about you in a foreign language behind your back.

Maybe I am too manly.  The urge for massages, for manicures, pedicures, etc… does not enter my mind.  Maybe it comes as a more evolved form of “taking care of yourself” and I’m not there yet.  Who knows.  All I know is.. it cost me $37 for 10 rounded tips to be painted another color from the natural color of nude/cracked calloused.  Cracked Calloused is a new color, by the way.

So.. couple of things I’ve started doing this month:

I started a podcast.  So far it has two episodes.

I am teaming up with an SEO expert to write an eBook which I hope I will publish within this MILLENNIAL.  I tried writing an eBook of my own and it has been 4 years.  It is unpublished, gathering pixelated dust.  And I will publish THIS ebook with errors, flaws and all.  Why?  Because it’s better than an unpublished NOTHING while I seek aimlessly for a perfection that will never come.

I sic’ed my team of developer/designer duo on automating superfastlistings.com so that once you sign up, you will automatically get an email detailing you on what to do and what information to input.  After information is inputed then stage 2 is commenced.  Before that I used to personally send out every welcome email (a copy and paste procedure) that was not necessary but since I was too busy to delegate this task out – it was never done.  TILL NOW.  They have yet to finish.  I hope to have it wrapped up by the end of this week.

I am going to revamp my mailing list once and for all.

I started meal prepping for the week and I am getting better at it.  Meal prepping is great!

Below are more pictures from my night out with my gal pal Val.  I ordered all the sushi.  Valerie is a vegetarian.  I think I had 7 plates to her 1.

LESSONS BE DAMNED:

1) I best be buyin’ them cars or else I will be losin’ ’em sales!

2) I do not work well ALONE.  In whatever capacity.  I need people because with people I actually push myself harder.

3) Posts/Podcasts/Listings/Company stuff/Managing developers/Ebook writing/etc. = all are lumped into a massive workload.  When sometimes I prefer just sitting by myself watching to stand up comedy and reading blogs at my leisure the entire day.  The only way to do stuff is to do it and get’er done. (I don’t know why I chose this particular vernacular right now with all the shortened words…. but it’s fun to me at the moment.  Please don’t rain on my PARADE!).

4) For my birthday (I just turned 28 years young) I chose to scale a 770 foot wall of rock.  And it was massively fun.  I recently spoke to a friend, just catching up on life (because that’s what friends do sometimes when it’s around your birthday and they glance your way since they received  some facebook notification)… this was how the convo went:

Friend: “How’s life Kim?”

Me: “Good.”

Friend: “I’ve been so busy.  I work 3 jobs and 16 hour work days.”

Me: “So far I am trying to run 2 businesses but I work around 20 hours of real work a week. I sometimes spend all day reading blogs.”

Friend: “I barely have time to date but when I do I can’t devote any time to these women who want my attention.”

Me:”I just recently climbed a 700 foot wall in Nevada & I now have some time to make room for more of a relationship.”

Friend:”Wow, our lives are so opposite.”

I want to say yes to more life experiences at the same time I want to continue building businesses.  I want to work really hard but I want to spend all day lying on a couch in my warehouse.  Some friends have figured it out and I am envious because sometimes I find myself questioning life way too much.

I am not afraid to want random opposite things and trying out a bunch of different stuff.  I’m not afraid to posting pictures of my feet on the internet.  I’m not afraid to fail.  And that is how I still learn.

 

Enjoy the pictures below.

Our only picture together - and it's blurry.

Our only picture together – and it’s blurry.

IMG_0021IMG_0018

Sushi

SAKEEEEE

 

All my dishes were served before Val got her VEGETARIAN roll (which is barely called food.)

All my dishes were served before Val got her VEGETARIAN roll (which is barely called food.)

 IMG_0022


THERE IS NO ALWAYS, THERE’S JUST RIGHT NOW

There is just one life.  And it doesn’t have to be spent doing mental dances with yourself.  So you have to remove the factors that constantly promote your annoying, absolutely unbearable mental dances in order to go back to clarity.  It doesn’t feel nice.  But if you know what you are 100% not okay with… the decision becomes easy.

 

Just a note.  Sorry for being so cryptic.


CHECK IT OUT EEYYY

To allllllll the readers out there who actually read my little blog … just want to say THANK YOU & update you guys on a few things.

Recently I co-launched a Youtube Celebrity Magazine/Website with Lynn and …. let’s just say I am watching way more youtube videos than I typically watch.  And it’s disgusting.  I stay up till 2 or 3am in the morning now..watching youtube videos.  HOWEVER, I completely believe in the potential AWESOMENESS of Whoistubian.com and what it can provide.  Because, I mean, IS there a central place for specifically youtube celebrity news/biographies?  I think not, my friend!

whoistubian.com

I figured you guys won’t actually visit unless there’s a screenshot  —- OOO LOOK! PRETTTTYYY!

We have over 59 likes on there already with only four articles so far!  Can I get a hell yeah? Don’t hate. D-don’t hate!

I have also co-launched a website that provides an actual DIGITAL PRODUCT to help people list faster.  So far we have 4 subscribers. That is four living breathing souls who provide monthly payments and as long as they are happy and are still using the product…they will continue to provide monthly payments until they no longer use it anymore.  Which could be never!  They might pass it down to their grandchildren if we are lucky.  One can only dream.  Two clients from the US.  One from Japan.  One from Hong Khong.

YEPPERS.

YEPPERS.

I am still worrying about 3500 car parts daily.  But it’s okay.  I will probably use car parts to make comedy skits… one day. Not today. Some day.

Come check-check-check’em out!  Whoistubian.com here. Superfastlistings.com here.

I know most of you will probably not give two pieces about what’s going on with my life but I wrote this to celebrate the tiny victories so when I look back on my own blog – I will have seen improvement (and not fond memories of a time long ago when I actually had the balls to go and do something).

It’s been over a year of doing whatever the hell I want to do… and I’ve semi-successfully built an automobile dismantling company, started an online magazine-like thing with my friend Lynn, launched an intangible product delivery website with Ron, learned how to rock climb walls that look godly high & managed not to drive a boyfriend too cray.  These are TINY accomplishments I need to think about when I am bawling for no reason during T.O.M’s irrational visit.  These are my little itty bitty tiny teeny bite-sized victories.

This is to counteract urges to stuff my face when I go on facebook and am SLAPPED by everyone’s wonderful life. The WANDURLUST/TRAVELING-non-stop vacationers, the YOUTUBE sensations, the ENGAGED & 2-seconds-later MARRIED, the BABY SHOWERED, the JUST-GOT-MATCHED doctor friends, the RICH & BLINGING ballers…

who here feels me? Can I get an amen, brotha?

My next how to post will be….. How to add Ads to your website & probably another random “Who Is..” person. To counteract this NON-how to post.


Intimacy and Closeness

The other day I got a spam email from an SEO telemarketer critiquing my site as being too “company centric”.  Obviously he didn’t read anything on my site because… does a “company centric” blog site include a poem about sex on their site?  I didn’t think so.

A good point was made though – that if you go to this site you have no idea where to start or what to read because the topics are so damn varied.  Therefore, I’ve decided to make pages such as “NEWCOMER? START HERE” in the menu as well as ARCHIVE, PROJECTS, and CONTACT.

I’ve yet to make those pages.

I recently read Mark Manson’s post about 3 explanations why he thinks single people (who hate being single) are still single (and hating being single).

Let me break it down for you

1) Too high expectations of others while not really being hot shit themselves.  Overweight woman expects to date a man with six pack abs for example.

2) Not respecting their health/emotional well being enough to work really hard to be an emotionally and physically healthy individual … and wondering why they are getting rejected for relationships.

3) Skills for intimacy are not developed yet.  Which means they interpret every argument/fight as unbearable & can’t feel comfortable in getting close to someone because they don’t want to explore themselves on a deeper level and be okay with it.

I agree with all three points.

I think I’ve been through all of it and the one I struggle the most with is #3.

Why not #1 or #2?  I changed myself for the better by hiring a therapist to allow me to see reality clearly when it came to #1 and #2.  I got off my ass, exercised more, killed almost 80% of my expectations for people and what they can provide for me – instead I focused on becoming more giving without counting tabs & seeing where it goes when that happens.

#3 is tough.  How can you tell your SO that the cause of your pain is them without hurting them in the process? And vice versa?  It’s difficult.  Even if it is delivered at calm times.  I think it’s because to yourself – you are perfect (or close enough).  You’ve figured out for the most part what makes you happy.  And everything else outside of what makes you happy will mean… unhappiness.  And unhappiness is not what you want to include in your life.

You don’t want to face or even fathom the idea that sometimes.. you are not a good person.  Sometimes you are downright selfish.  Sometimes you are rude and you act in a way which hurts others unintentionally or otherwise.  There are these darker sides to you that resurface once in a while.  Although they do not make up the majority of your traits and personality – it hurts to admit to yourself that you are a bad person (sometimes).

I think the more you view yourself as a really good decent honest loving person… and you stick to that ideal rather vehemently… the harder it will be for you to accept any other versions which compromises this image.  And anyone who is close enough to see all sides of you will eventually point out the sides you basically ignored for the most part because god forbid you are not THAT guy/girl.  Any conversation which would touch upon the subject that maybe you are selfish, mean, horrible sometimes would hurt. A lot.

And when your SO gives two shits about you, you’re going to hear the good and the bad.  Getting 100% good is nearly impossible.  Nothing will be 100% out of the box.  And if you expect 100% you are suffering from not only #3 but #1 as well.

Being comfortable enough to explore yourself changes this mentality:

1) OWWW. You remind me sometimes that I am not perfect. That I am rude/mean/inconsiderate sometimes.  That I am vengeful/passive aggressive/not 100%/not good enough sometimes.  That is NOT okay!  I hate this!  I want OUT!  I guess I am meant to be alone because then I can JUST BE HAPPY! I WAS HAPPY BEFORE THIS!

to this:

2) I hear what you are saying & how it hurts you.  But I am secure about myself emotionally to know that I am not 100% evil/a bad person.  I have good intentions and I see somehow that doesn’t translate into my actions.  I understand things can be misinterpreted.  It’s not the end of the world.  I’ll see if I can approach it differently next time.

Mark says it is the difficult road to emotional stability.  Because in order to be healthy mentally you have to work hard at your own humility almost everyday, you have to work hard to be physically healthy (Your self esteem will be greatly influenced if you are not physically healthy), you have to fight every damn battle of irrational thoughts or refrain from behavior that can be misinterpreted.

Does this mean you are losing yourself and your own happiness?  I think the struggle is REAL, folks.  But you are not losing yourself.  You are gaining the ability to be close to someone and be okay with it.  This is a very cool skill to have.  Why not have the skill where you can be open, accept criticism come what may, still remain positive about life and love and proactively change yourself for the better?  Sure, the process will be painful.  Sure, you will probably have your ego crushed sometimes.  We can either let life hurt us and give us the excuse to stay hurt or we can be okay with what life throws at us because whatever it is… whether it be people who think we are not 100%… whether it be customers who just hate our guts…. or whether it is a big fat LEMON….

you can still make lemonade.

I think making lemonade when life throws you lemons is UNINTENTIONALLY PROFOUND.  It is profound because instead of running away from those pack of lemons, you are making something delicious out of them.  Happiness then ties into something that’s already there & working with it versus discarding it for the next thing that pops up.

The saying could’ve been… when life gives you lemons… you … THROW THEM ON THE GROUND.. and go with THE BAG OF APPLES.

(But it’s not.)

Yes. Chin pimples = CHIMPLES.

Yes. Chin pimples = CHIMPLES. Also, I was going to filter myself completely green to resemble the Hulk’s bastard child. But I changed my mind last minute.

 


Almost Breaking Up Again, So What’s The Point?

I was having a conversation with a friend today about an “almost break up” moment I had with my boyfriend and she said, “Hey! Me too!”.  I inquired what was her reasoning and she explained that it has to do with different communication styles.  Both of our boyfriends are fairly inexperienced with relationships.  She confessed she is inexperienced as well.  And come to think of it, even though I was in a long term relationship at one point… I am also fairly inexperienced.

What have we learned, really?  Unless something forces us to drastically change, we just carry the mistakes of the past into our current relationships and blame it on each other if we call it quits.

The meshing of two people with two completely separate lifestyles is a recipe that needs a LOT of compromising to work.  I don’t know of anyone who likes carrying around compromises in their back pockets.

Sometimes I get caught in the “now”.  Sometimes I am very selfish.  And when that happens I don’t see the whole forest when I am stuck amongst the bristles of a leaf barren tree.  And sometimes HE is too.  No one’s perfect!  Maybe that metaphor was a bit too much.

By being caught in the moment – I amplify the importance of decisions and I amplify my emotional sensitivity to a point where words will hurt (hard).  When things are amplified and urgent, this could create stress and a heavy feeling on everyone involved.

There just needs to be a reminder that hey – I have the rest of my life to figure this out.  What’s the hurry?  If there is a mixture of kindness, patience, and willingness to be emotionally open – really – there is no reason to act with haste.

That is one life lesson I’ve learned (among others) about relationships thus far.  That there is time to learn and grow.  There is time for trust to be built.  There is always time for that proof to bloom in anyone’s perspective of who you are…  You can decide to be urgent if it is biologically healthy for you to do so.  Otherwise, there is always time.

So chill.

Honestly, you can be free and single at any point in life.  Nothing will stop this from happening if you want it to happen.  No marriage certificate, no promise ring, no title… nothing.  So the decision to go back to a status quo might sometimes be what you need.

However – on the other hand… the risk you are taking by having someone in your life to act like your sounding board, to open your eyes on how you are when you are so damn close to another human being (different from family and friends), to give you a healthy reflection of how you really come off… and to care deeply enough to be honest with you about it because there is a vested interest in the betterment of yourself as a person… is worth the whole thing.

All of it.

The entire risk of a relationship.

And that’s the point of a relationship (to me).

So I guess I am pretty damn oblivious to a lot of things.

————————————-

On a separate note, here is a random incomplete poem I wrote purely for entertainment purposes while I was bored at the warehouse:

Plunging, suddenly I am hurling towards

More idle time, racking my brain for more stymie rhymes

Steering my irises through window panes

Letting these surroundings fast forward I will choose

To be fashionably late again

 

I am simply mopping to cope with coming down from

Another adrenaline high

I am also playing pretend to infuse these sometimes provincial moments

With exciting lies

I will act like I am hypnotized

I will fake it till I make it as I compromise

 

Oh don’t bother coming down from your thrones

To join me here weeping

Where I will squeeze tears as a sport because it is better than

Not feeling.

—————–

Because I am feeling silly, asian, and duck-faced:

 



What have you learned about life so far

My friend, Hango, AKA, BOB, aka Hangalo, aka Hang… asked me to write a post for her.

Post topic: What are 5 things you have learned about life so far?

It has been a week and I told her I could only think of 1 or 2 or 3-ish at the most.

One is that failure is not the worst thing ever and exploring the weird and the interesting and the strangely taboo… is okay!  That is why I have a therapist.  I have insurance, it affords me a therapist, why not?  Mental health is important just as much as physical health – hence my gym membership.

To keep her identity somewhat private I will name her V.  V told me something very interesting in our last session.  And that is = most working relationships are 50/50.

I was completely oblivious to the fact that having someone pay for you, completely, when you can afford whatever yourself, is …. not right after the dating phase is over.

I shit you not I expected the relationship road ahead of me to be paved by a very nice, cushioned, money-bricked road.

Because I can deliver.  Crazy sex? Check.  A fun experience with another human being? Check. Whatever you want? Maybe check.

Obviously though, after it is no longer just dating and it becomes a relationship, things change.

The concept of paying for a date is still foreign to me.  I know, where have I been living?  Under ex boyfriends who have deluded me into thinking this was okay.  Figuratively, of course!

So the idea of paying… for dates…. is cringeworthy.    My therapist told me healthy and long lasting relationships REQUIRE me to start paying to show appreciation.

I have gotten this far along in my life to not pay during dates.  It’s time to give back?  In a relationship?  If I don’t want my man to feel under-appreciated?  Sure.

Not to say I am not generous.  I am generous in business.  I am generous with random strangers.  The concept of paying for a date does not fit in my paradigm of generosity but THIS IS LIFE!

I can hold my own and have no need for anyone to take care of me.  But what is wrong in wanting it?  Even if I make millions, I still want the guy to pay for everything. EVERYTHING.  I have been schooled that this is the wrong way to go about it.

Ahem.  So that is 1 or 2 life lessons I have learned so far.

Another lesson is….

The more time I have for myself or to be idle, the more I question everything about life.  So it’s best to keep busy and keep productive than to let random questions about life stop me from actually doing life because CONTEMPLATIONS and imaginary conversations are actually nothing when it comes down to it.

And sometimes it can be confused with “planning”, but really, it is just stalling.

If I want to do something, I should just do it.  Pick up a paper, start filling out forms.  Want to exercise?  Join the gym this second (online).  Don’t wait for that Costco discount.  You might go to Costco and decide to buy 10 pies instead of buying the gym membership.  Don’t deliberate.  Life put on pause is not worth it.  You think the outcome will be better if you wait for things to be different before you make the leap?  Unless you need time to save up money for something – it is not worth the wait.

I think these three things should suffice my friend’s bloodthirsty hunger for me to write this post.

You are welcome!

 

 

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