Updates & Just checkin’ in withcha

It’s been awhile since I blogged and I said I would blog every week.  Well, that just went straight out the window.  My last update was end of June 2017.  It’s now August, 2017.

Since then I hiked half dome (the cables way). I went to a friend’s wedding in San Francisco and took the time to bike for miles and miles around the area and across the golden gate bridge.  I visited Matthes Crest by roping up and down it, soloing a part of the traverse for 6 hours of my 17 hour day. I climbed at various other places, visited 15 cities and 42 locations (random restaurants, etc.). Went through another staff rotation. Launched another product.  Life has been busy.

I was with someone on and off for many years and for the first time in my life I’m not anymore. For good.  Like this usual feeling of permanence has disappeared.  And I’m okay with it.

To improve my writing, no matter how short the update, I’m just going to post it.  I don’t network enough to get rid of the fob voice in my head. HAHA.  So writing the shit out of it will help (I think).

I think this update is really about how I feel as I age.  I’m 30 now and it seems like I’m less hardcore (in my own perspective) in looking at the world in an idealistic way.  The older I grow, the easier it gets to just surrender to life being one chaotic blessing.  My world changes almost all the time.  I take off, on short notice, to what I believe are grand adventures.  I do not care as much about what people think.  I listen to my body a lot more.  Every week, every month is different.  Sometimes I crave consistency.  Sometimes I get irritated at the tumultuous nature of it all.  Sometimes I lie in bed all day while listening to YouTube in the background.

After living this life for years, I don’t know what a normal schedule is like anymore.  I don’t feel envious of anyone because I see everyone as living their separate lives with their own imperfections and happiness sprinkled with moments of melancholy and life crises.  I guess it’s more like “what the fuck is next?”.

And my biological clock is eerily silent.  I have no desire to have children (yet), I do not look my age so I feel like I have borrowed time.  Is there a desire to leave behind a legacy?  No.  All I’m waiting for is just enough capital to acquire more….. things?  I feel like I’m living now just to continue living.  Like eating to enjoy food and keeping myself alive.  I’m not ambitious enough to have “milestones” and I’m not lazy enough not to have short term goals.  I’m not superficial enough to own a bunch of shit and I’m not dirtbag enough to just abandon it all for a long period of time.

I don’t see an end to this.  I am content and then discontent for being content.  I experience moments of such joy when I stare at some cloud formations on top of a beautiful landscape and then my period comes and fucks it up for 2-3 days as I agonize over inconsequential shit.  My parents are doing fine and my brother will become a legit doctor in 1 year.  No one in my life is suffering (knock on wood), and all I have to do now is LIVE.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Even while supporting other people by providing them income, is that not enough a sense of purpose for me to not feel aimless?  No.  Not enough.  Still feeling aimless (but not in a sad way, more like a feather in a Forest Gump movie type of way).  Even while using my money to donate to charity… feeling less aimless? No.

This is how I feel now that I’m no longer in my twenties.  What’s the goal, now? Try not to get too irked by everything happening with politics?  Some of my friends have found purpose by impacting a bunch of people in their lives.  Maybe that’s next, but I’m in such a hypnotic lull of my own freedom that I don’t feel pushed in any which way all the meanwhile questioning the validity of it all.  Questioning if this life is now a valid one.

Some of my friends have kids and their “why” is so defined, it feels nice to be around that sense of certainty. HAH.  Okay, /end rambling.

Some tips I’ve learned:

  1. If you are going to try and solo Matthes Crest (even a part of it), do it at the very beginning so you don’t feel like your rope is a life line you can’t kick.  My climbing partner Clark taught me this mental trick and it worked!  It was only at the end of the day did my mental strength started draining and I had to be rope rescued because I froze literally some meters before our point of descent (AFTER I soloed up a peak already and had to down climb).
  2. Mole skin is the best.
  3. Listen to your friends when they tell you Gladiacoin is shady. (haaaahhh)
  4. Sometimes reading a 5 page PDF guide on how to do something is better than thinking of all the hurdles you’ll encounter trying to do said thing.

I’m sure you went here thinking you’d learn something about passive income and I’m just rambling on about life.  Seems like that’s the trend here.  Maybe I’ll write enough so that not EVERY blog post is a ramble.  Just every OTHER blog post… is a ramble. =)

 

How do you feel once you’ve hit your thirties?  Or how do you feel approaching 30?  Is it a lot of “what the fuck? what the fuck?… what…..the fuck…happens…now?”.  Let me know. I’d like to know.


Almost Breaking Up Again, So What’s The Point?

I was having a conversation with a friend today about an “almost break up” moment I had with my boyfriend and she said, “Hey! Me too!”.  I inquired what was her reasoning and she explained that it has to do with different communication styles.  Both of our boyfriends are fairly inexperienced with relationships.  She confessed she is inexperienced as well.  And come to think of it, even though I was in a long term relationship at one point… I am also fairly inexperienced.

What have we learned, really?  Unless something forces us to drastically change, we just carry the mistakes of the past into our current relationships and blame it on each other if we call it quits.

The meshing of two people with two completely separate lifestyles is a recipe that needs a LOT of compromising to work.  I don’t know of anyone who likes carrying around compromises in their back pockets.

Sometimes I get caught in the “now”.  Sometimes I am very selfish.  And when that happens I don’t see the whole forest when I am stuck amongst the bristles of a leaf barren tree.  And sometimes HE is too.  No one’s perfect!  Maybe that metaphor was a bit too much.

By being caught in the moment – I amplify the importance of decisions and I amplify my emotional sensitivity to a point where words will hurt (hard).  When things are amplified and urgent, this could create stress and a heavy feeling on everyone involved.

There just needs to be a reminder that hey – I have the rest of my life to figure this out.  What’s the hurry?  If there is a mixture of kindness, patience, and willingness to be emotionally open – really – there is no reason to act with haste.

That is one life lesson I’ve learned (among others) about relationships thus far.  That there is time to learn and grow.  There is time for trust to be built.  There is always time for that proof to bloom in anyone’s perspective of who you are…  You can decide to be urgent if it is biologically healthy for you to do so.  Otherwise, there is always time.

So chill.

Honestly, you can be free and single at any point in life.  Nothing will stop this from happening if you want it to happen.  No marriage certificate, no promise ring, no title… nothing.  So the decision to go back to a status quo might sometimes be what you need.

However – on the other hand… the risk you are taking by having someone in your life to act like your sounding board, to open your eyes on how you are when you are so damn close to another human being (different from family and friends), to give you a healthy reflection of how you really come off… and to care deeply enough to be honest with you about it because there is a vested interest in the betterment of yourself as a person… is worth the whole thing.

All of it.

The entire risk of a relationship.

And that’s the point of a relationship (to me).

So I guess I am pretty damn oblivious to a lot of things.

————————————-

On a separate note, here is a random incomplete poem I wrote purely for entertainment purposes while I was bored at the warehouse:

Plunging, suddenly I am hurling towards

More idle time, racking my brain for more stymie rhymes

Steering my irises through window panes

Letting these surroundings fast forward I will choose

To be fashionably late again

 

I am simply mopping to cope with coming down from

Another adrenaline high

I am also playing pretend to infuse these sometimes provincial moments

With exciting lies

I will act like I am hypnotized

I will fake it till I make it as I compromise

 

Oh don’t bother coming down from your thrones

To join me here weeping

Where I will squeeze tears as a sport because it is better than

Not feeling.

—————–

Because I am feeling silly, asian, and duck-faced:

 



What Does It Mean When You Require More Attention

Credit to: GETGOODGAME.COM

I wanted to write about my take on what people consider “neediness” they don’t want/need to deal with.  Why? Because it is a topic which is bothering me as of late.

At the beginning of a relationship, if it is the ones that start post-college, let’s face it – it probably is very sexual.

And when people meet up for these “dates” which are really = eating and waiting to have intercourse periods, ESPECIALLY when two people are casually dating and before exclusivity is declared….. you are not friends.  Sorry.  You are CFWBs.

CFWBs = CIVIL Friends With Benefits.  Because you are not outright declaring you are using each other for sex/company since you don’t even know much about the other person.  But basically that is what it is.  TRUST.

This is compared to DFWBs = DECLARED Friends with Benefits.  DFWBs are either best buddies who share a mutual love for sex and consistently sabotaging any real romantic relationship with their attempted dates OR they share a very cold relationship where hitting it and quitting it is the norm… still consistently sabotaging any real romantic relationship with their attempted dates.

When CFWBs become GF/BFs there is a shift in the paradigm.  Both have agreed that they can have great sex and now are moving on towards other things…. like getting to know each other.  Once great sex is almost a guaranty – you can commence with the transition between SEX MOSTLY to a SEX + Sprinkles of Romance relationship.

Here is where things tend to get STICKY.

ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE A NEED TO RECEIVE MORE ATTENTION.  OR BOTH!

Because a transition from CFWBs –> GF/BF will not be a happy one unless SOMETHING is realized.  That something is the fact that a yearning for friendship/love has begun.  Improper response: “Hey, I was used to only responding to you once a week – what happened? WHY ARE YOU SO MUCH MORE NEEDY?”  Proper response: “Oh, so you need me to do that to make you happy?  Alrighty then!  Let’s get this show on the ROAD.”

When something CLICKS in your mind and you want more attention/texting/calling/initiation during a period where there is USUALLY RADIO SILENCE…… you, my friend, are only exercising your right for love.

Think about it.  You are given love freely from your parents.  You are given love freely from friends – OF COURSE they don’t mind your need to share your thoughts.  There is no such thing as an overload (unless that person is naturally annoying by a unanimous vote).  You start to want the friendship/love that comes freely with others in your life – from your recently acquired significant other.

You are normal.

There are MANY ways this scenario can turn out:

1) They react with insecurity/fear for their own freedom thinking it is mostly about them and not really about your yearning to be fulfilled emotionally (because you got the physical shit DOWN)… then they are not your cup of tea.  Spit it out.  Throw away the  freakin’ cup.  Life is short.  There is no need to keep on sipping that bitter nasty cup of tea when you can have the greatest CHAI TEA you’ve ever tasted in your LIFE if you simply moved on.

2)  They react with trying to increase attention but naturally they suck at it because they are not used to it.  Know yourself to know how much longer you can tolerate it.  However, you will only continue to struggle with it which might lead to fights and could otherwise mess up an okay ending to a short lived story.  No one needs to get mauled in this process.  It was a good run – carry on.  Everyone can move on happy.

3) They react by giving you the attention you need in DROVES.   Like a train that suddenly started and will move NONSTOP.  Like a double rainbow that never stops shinning – providing happiness forever.  You are deliriously happy.  You both move forward in delirious happiness.  Because they realize it’s not about THEM when it comes to asking for more attention, it’s about YOU.  And making YOU happy is what matters.

I might have exaggerated on certain parts of this description.  But you get the gist of what I am saying.

*This is to exclude all behaviors of emotional manipulation.  Once emotional manipulation comes into play – this whole explanation is moot.*

Copyright by Passive Income Marathon Inc.